Family Christmas Parties should not be confused with Ordinary Parties. With Ordinary Parties, you get to invite who you really want to be there, whereas the Family Christmas Party demands that you invite quite a lot of people you’re not really that keen on and haven’t seen since the last time you felt all guilty and caved in to the Goodwill to All Persons Christmas pitch.

Dominating the Guest List should be the In – Laws, a strange bunch who appear to be completely unrelated to your partner, who you actually quite like. Amongst the In –Laws will be at least one who has been close to death for the past 15 years, is terminably miserable, says “Oh I can’t eat that “ a lot, and asks for egg – nog, which you haven’t got, then mutters on about “liking a drop of egg – nog “ for the rest of the visit.

The authentic  In Law group must include at least one couple who are the Life and Soul of Parties. Moaning old egg – noggers are ignorable and usually leave early anyway, taken back to Sunnymead by the silent couple with protuberant eyes who are apparently somebody’s cousins, but Lives and Souls will be in your face and up your nose, drink anything in medically hazardous quantities, institute Charades, at which they cheat, and actually appear to enjoy interacting with Jack and Jocasta, the short – type twins who belong to your sister, or possibly your partner’s sister, and are “sensitive”. Both have asthma and rush to tell their parents every time you sneak off to the utility room for a quick drag.

Authentic presents should not involve anything remotely useful or desireable and ideally result in everyone getting one of  those little lights you strap to your head to read in bed with. Short types receive dvds which they are at pains to tell you they’ve already got and are crap anyway, casually ditch and go roaming around the house AGAIN, to harass the cat who by this time, also has asthma.

Late in the evening, when the dishwasher has begun to make a burning smell, Jack and Jocasta have both had gasping episodes [excellent cat !] and peevish weeping sessions, all hands begin the Festive Bale – out. Sober drivers with rictus grins edge babbling better halves to respective badly parked cars and Lives and Souls are picked up by their son whose vehicle’s horn does La Cucuracha and you totter back indoors to join the two friends who have bravely offered their moral support all day. Your partner says brightly, through gritted teeth, “Well, I thought that went very well !” and you all immediately become extremely drunk, safe in the knowledge that on the morrow, somewhere, in somebody else’s house, YOU will be an In Law.