Blame Darwin [or, Creationists Rule !]

 

Let’s face it, this famous son of Shrewsbury really messed things up. Ante Charlie, stuff was pretty much sussed. When things went right, God done it. When bubonic plague made everybody’s’ Christmas list a bit shorter, that was God bigging up on retribution. Exactly why Mr. Omnipotence caused the good times to roll or the following Tuesday  allowed tidal waves from Krakatoa to drown millions thousands of miles away from the main attraction was never really worked out, although religious types often ascribed death and destruction to SIN, i.e.,the deaded and destroyed were sinful,ergo……….whilst nice stuff was doled out because He loved us. Not a foolproof theory, but good enough providing God’s commercial arm, the Church, kept banging on about it every Sunday, stressing Big G’s mysterious ways.       

Even before Charles started nudging the divine applecart, quite a few foreign blokes had proved the earth spheroid, that it revolved around the sun, and that stars were not “tiny holes in the blessed dark fabric of night”, but more suns, countless millions of miles away. Give me a break ! Sorry pal, but our sums prove it. What’s sums ? Quiet ! You’re an Ordinary Person. Go away and multiply.

And ever nimble- footed Mother Church accepted this – ok she burnt a few boffins on the way –but in the end turned it all around to prove how smart God was – churning out the cosmos in six days ! Yo ! Go God ! Better still, God’s Handbook told us that we were created in God’s image. Cor ! Special or what ? [ its worth noting here that even on my most devout days I have a problem with Girls Aloud or David Miliband looking like God]

Then off sails the Beagle, Darwin sticks pins through loads of beetles, interferes with tortoises [still a felony in the Galapagos], writes a book about evolution and ruins everybody’s day.

Fortunately there are still calm, level headed people in the world who refute Darwin’s laughable and let’s face it, disgusting claims that we’re all descended from apes – I mean, bloody hell, some monkeys have blue arses and fiddle with themselves in public !

Creationists will save the day. Their steadfast refusal to accept all that unpleasant stuff about primordial soup will eventually put God back in his Heaven and all will be right with His World. They’re special people, Creationists. They’re not suggestible  like you and me. If they don’t want to believe something, then it hasn’t happened. Their earth was created in slightly less than a week six thousand years ago. That dinosaur bones have been found under really ancient sedimentary rock is down to a gas main explosion in 1874 just outside Bletchley.

Carbon – dating is a communist hoax. Charles Darwin invented his South American trip. The Beagle never made it beyond the Scillies. She sat in St Mary’s harbour and Charles lolled on his hammock, combing his eyebrows, eating treacle toffee and fashioning imitation beetles out of bladderwrack. Records of his voyage ? All fake.  Records of his discoveries ? All fake. Faked by whom ?

The *C.I.A., that’s whom ! Go on, prove me wrong, oh ye of little faith.

* and before you start going on about the C.I.A. and Darwin not being contemporaneous, just remember that in the Creationists’ view, time is shorter than you think.