In these times of desperate national need with unburied bodies littering our streets and certain parts of the House of Lords, my research team thinks outside the [reused] envelope and offers advice and solace to the oft forgotten Drop Dead Rich. Its all very well providing soup kitchens for homeless ex- factory workers, but what about the conscience-riven idle wealthy? Who lends an understanding ear to them? So, over the last few months, researchers have prepared a series of FAQs based on confidential interviews with F.W.A.A.R.I.I. [Folk Who Are Absolutely Rolling In It] Think Tank in the hope that those affected will feel not quite as alone in the knowledge that there are others out there who also don’t know what gruel is.
Q What should I do if I know that whilst my family and I are partaking of delicious ten course meal and fine wines, the poor of the town are in my garden, gnawing trees ?
A Close the curtains. Or better still, get a servant to do it. This will allow charades to continue uninterrupted and invest the lackey with a much- needed sense of job security
Q The media tells me that many of the people classified as poor are also very fat. How can this be?
A An interesting anomaly, and Dr J.C. Whimbrel, head of the P.M.S.B.T.I.I. [Please Make it Sound Better Than It Is] group, commissioned recently by Our Leader’s phenomenally successful Happiness Campaign, pulls no punches here. “Either these poor, fat wobblies’ families chose the wrong side at Bosworth, or they’re actually eating each other. “
Q I cannot help feeling guilty that I have so much whilst others have so little. I am undecided as to whether I should get Dilworth to drive me around the local Council Estate so that I might distribute small bags of cash – say £1000 each – to the poor and needy.
A This is an understandable and laudable sentiment, but you must be careful about giving things, especially money, to poor people. Many will only spend it, then come back for more. Registration number checks are easy to do, and many of the poor have squandered what little money they once had on computers. If your mind is made up, hire a vehicle and adopt a disguise. But by far the best way of salving your conscience would be to have your kitchen staff boil up the week’s food scraps, making a nourishing broth which, placed in a stout polythene[a type of plastic] bag and tossed from the hired vehicle into the shamefully neglected front gardens of the Council Estate homes should do the trick .
Q Am I alone in thinking that this whole “poor” people issue is a myth manufactured by those lying Socialists? At least twice in the last four years I have had occasion to be driven through my local town, due to roadworks on the bypass, or on one occasion a traffic accident caused by the children of the [alleged] poor rushing out of their [free] school into the path of an expensive articulated tanker without looking. I am an observant person. Not once have I seen anyone without shoes. Not once did I see starved corpses.
A Research suggests that you may well be right. Clear definitions of what “poor” is are difficult to come by. Starving to death, having no money, or succumbing to hypothermia are often put forward as pointers here, but Captain Scott perished in extreme cold, and he wasn’t short of a bob or two. And he had lots of corned beef.
We hope that this shortened version of our Q+A paper has served to allay your fears. In conclusion, and recalling the wise words of Vlad the Impaler, “Being rich is what happiness is all about. If we didn’t have poor people to compare ourselves to, how could we be happy?”