November Blog

Coldly Calling[where lots of people have called before]

Ring ring. Ring ring.

Hello.

Am I speaking to Mr Stoat ?

No

[pause]

To whom am I speaking ,please ?

Why ?

[pause]

Are you Mr W R Stoat ?

No

[slightly longer pause]

Are you the householder, sir ?

Yes

But you are not Mr Stoat ?

No

[pause]

And this is 01231 777888 ?

Yes

47 Wherryman’s Lane ?

Yes

[pause]

But you are not Mr Stoat ?

No. My name is Stott. S-T-O-T-T.

Oh Mr Scott, I am so sorry.

No, that’s Stott, not Scott.

I am so, so sorry Mr Snot.

Why are you ringing me ?

Ah – well, how would you feel about

saving 90% on your fuel bills ?

I am absolutely and completely not

interested thank you, in fact, I would

rather eat my own legs.

[pause]

Mr Sprot, have you ever had an

accident at work ?

And so it goes – at least twice every day some poor sod being paid buttons rings up and annoys me. Nowadays, I ask to be removed from their lists but of course they have no authority to do that. So it goes on and on……………………and there’s no point in losing your rag either. These are messengers who must get shot on a regular basis. BT used to have a nuisance call thingy, didn’t they ? I wonder if they’ve got one which KNOWS that the caller is a call – centre drone who is about to make my blood pressure spike ?

Mind you, calling BT means listening to half-an-hour’s worth of rubbish kicked off by [in Scots borders accent] “Hullo, you’re through to BT…………” followed by different numbers to press before another recorded message says “ We’re VERY busy today………..” Then you’re invited to hold and listen to some really wonky muzak. I heard Dave call our times “The Great Communications Age” the other day. I wonder if he’s had his loft lagged ?

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