Ho-ho-ho [distant echo]. Well, that’s that over with and whilst there may still be a few long-distance Christmas visitors huddled in the backs of their flood-trapped vehicles, for the rest of us, a whole new unsullied year perches on Time’s Threshold, poised to float gently atwixt and atween, spreading happiness and forgetting old acquaintances for the sake of somethingorother.
Starting with New Year Resolutions. Don’t panic, I’m not going to share mine with you although one or two are absolute belters like never lying down in the road and absolutely never joining a religious cult whilst dressed as a chicken. No – this piece is dedicated to a very significant part of the TV programmers art, and the ONE resolution they should make and keep. It doesn’t feature Strictly Come Dancing or surprisingly, any of the soaps, and because I’m an understanding kind of chap, it doesn’t even ask for anything to be banned. What it does say is; “ DO NOT MAKE ANY MORE BLOODY COOKERY PROGRAMMES !”
Am I sick of them ? Well yes I am; thoroughly sick of the bandwagon jumping by programmers. I’m not an organized viewer. I never know what’s coming on [apart from The Killing or the News], but whenever I do switch on, there’s ALWAYS a bloody cookery programme there. From Hairy Bikers who are actually cooks, through Lorraine Somebody who makes puddings to assassinate diabetics with, an old lady and a chap from Hollywood who bake,bake,bake, through to the very dreadful Masterchef. Well actually, Masterchef can be quite funny – well it would be if the urgent voiceover describing contestants’ offerings said something like; “ And tonight Kyle is making beans on toast”. But of course it never does and instead its all about exotic dishes involving cuckoo tongues broiled in yak spit served on a bed of cactus – the resulting triumphs and disasters being judged by several eye-rolling arbiters of culinary perfection.
So, ye auld programmers – get a life. Better still, get an imagination !